thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
