my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
