but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm at about main and main street
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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