Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Randomize
