just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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