Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I think my moral compass just broke
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
