Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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