cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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