i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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