I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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