I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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