ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
