He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
