I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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