I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
