Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
