I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
