I hate all girls vehemently.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize