I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
