she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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