I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
