My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
