Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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