hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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