So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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