So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
