hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
