I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
