It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
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