I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
