You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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