____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
