Is it because I queefed?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
