Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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