New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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