I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
