If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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