Screwed.edu
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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