No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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