I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
