I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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