WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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