I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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