Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
