The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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