i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just found puke in my bra..
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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