How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
