He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
