God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
