I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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