im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
