I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
