Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize