wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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