Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
