Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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